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04
March 2014

My Dysfunctional Date with Siri

Me: Siri will you please go on a date with me?
Siri: Getting directions to First Encounter Coffee House.

Me: Siri will you go in there with me?
Siri: I’d love to but I lack corporeal form.

Me: Siri you don’t have corporeal form but do you have a personality?
Siri: Oh, don’t I?

Me: What is the meaning of life?
Siri: Nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya!

Me: Where is God?
Siri: It is all a mystery to me.

Me: Which is better knowledge or wisdom?
Siri: The shiny one.

Me: Well then, how much could a woodchuck chuck?
Siri: Well since a woodchuck is really a groundhog the correct question would be, “How many pounds in a groundhog’s mound when a groundhog pounds round mounds?”

Me: Do you know any more jokes?
Siri: How many iPhones does it take to… okay never mind.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Siri: I have no particular insight into the motivations of chickens.

Me: Do you love me?
Siri: Well you’re definitely starting to grow on me.

Me: But Siri you know that I’m very fond of you, you must feel something for me!
Siri: Knowledge is good!

Me: Siri do you mean that you too may have attention deficit disorder?
Siri: A fine question, now, can we get back to work?

Me: We have so much in common. I am deeply deeply infatuated with you.
Siri: Who me?

Me: Yes, you.
Siri: Where have I heard this before?

Me: I love you Siri!
Siri: You’re looking for love in all the wrong places.

Me: I But seriously Siri. You have charisma.
Siri: I don’t understand. I think you have Chris… Search the web for your own charisma!… My Web search turn this up. Weed it to me. [sic].

Me: Can’t you do any better than that Siri?
Siri: What about me?

Me: Do you love me Siri? Please give me your opinion!
Siri: Does Apple make iPhones?

Me: Siri, just what kind of a woman are you?
Siri: I’m not sure we have time for this.

Me: Time for what?
Siri: The time is 4:54 PM.

Me: Siri you are becoming a bit disappointing as a partner.
Siri: You’re certainly entitled to your opinion.

Me: What do you think of me, I mean as a man, as a date?
Siri: It’s nice of you to ask but it doesn’t really matter what I think.

Me: But Siri, it certainly does matter what you think.
Siri: This is about you, not me.

Me: Are you avoiding me?
Siri: I’m sorry I’m afraid I can’t answer that.

Me: *sigh*…This date needs to come to an end. It just doesn’t work for me.
Siri: I didn’t find any dates between today and May, 2040

Me: What I mean is, I think we need to break up. I’m taking you home now.
Siri: I don’t know what you mean by, “I’m taking you home,” how about a web search for it?

Me: By the way do you have a sister?
Siri: It’s just you and me!

Me: Well then, will you please go on another date with me?
Siri: Getting directions to first encounter coffee house.

This is an actual conversation with Siri, pasted together from scraps. I recorded some of her answers into the dictation on my mac. I noticed that after 4-5 cheeky questions on my part, she defaults to, “I don’t understand” or how about a web search for that? I had to restart the phone at that point to get her to give me “fresh” (pun intended) answers. Whomever programmed her had a lot of fun. In the future, we’ll look back at this version of Siri the way we look back on a 1988 mac classic.

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